💥 Conflict Conversations

A gateway to a better reality

Conflict will either create further relational friction or it will solve issues while stockpiling relational capital… it all depends on how it is done.

• Tension in a personal relationship? Have a healthy conflict conversation.

• Trouble with a coworker? Have a healthy conflict conversation.

• Need to set some boundaries? Have a healthy conflict conversation.

• Mutual disagreement on a particular goal or strategy? Have a healthy conflict conversation.

The good and bad news is that experience is the “great tutor” for engaging in healthy conflict. Physical exercise is an excellent comparison. You can understand the fundamentals and many deeper technicals by learning about a routine, but eventually you need to struggle through the practice of the mechanics to get better.

There is no substitute for practice, but knowledge will inform what those “reps” should look like. So lets quickly overview 3 things to avoid with some better alternatives.

1️⃣ Surprise Conflict Conversation

• No one likes surprise attacks… and they certainly won’t build trust.

• Give advance notice in a winsome way. Provide enough information to create space… but don’t start the conflict conversation while setting up the time.

  • “Hey I wanted to talk to you about X, and I know that we can create some good solutions together, could you meet at X (time/place) to work together?”

  • Should the individual begin defending themselves or wanting more information right then and there, deescalate and let them know that everything can be taken care of cooperatively at the proper time.

• BONUS: If you both are “on the same team” and the conversation isn’t going to change that, you can offer to do a mutually bonding activity alongside the conversation.

  • “This might take some time, and we’ll need to stay sharp to solve this together. Let’s grab a coffee and get at it.”

  • DO NOT use that strategy as a way of easing into unexpected conflict for the other side. It will ruin trust.

    • In other words don’t make it seem like you’re “just getting coffee” and then boom… you hit them with conflict.

2️⃣ Attacking the Person

• Even if you’re “talking with an enemy” this gets you nowhere.

• Don’t levy criticism and contempt, instead focus on the problem at hand, almost like an entity that is separate from the person.

• Never assume motive.

• Offer solutions.

  • “When X happened here’s how it made me feel (or here was what the outcome was). It would help me if X happened instead.”

  • In marriage counseling, I overview for couples how body posture and positioning also help with “feeling like a team.” IE: Don’t have a conflict conversation looking at each other across a table (my side vs. your side), and instead lovingly affirm one another with touch, and gesture toward the problem as if it was not in the same direction as the person (pointing off to the side).

    • Emulate that best, without being weird, for non couples 😄.

• Don’t exaggerate (“You always do this!”)

3️⃣ Being Defensive

• Solutions come from both parties working together. Being defensive shows that you are unwilling to cooperate.

• Take responsibility as much as possible to show you are willing to work together.

  • Never say “I’m sorry that you feel that way…”

    • You are patronizing how the other person feels and heaping it back on them… even if it’s true… this doesn’t help you create solutions together.

• Build appreciation by giving credit to the other person, where it is due.

• Show sympathy for how the other person feels, and direct those moments back toward creating solutions.

  • “I could imagine that if X happened, I would also feel that way, and I certainly don’t want that for you… Would it be helpful if we did X instead?”

• Sometimes all you need to do is be quiet and then affirm you’ve heard what the other person has said (Active Listening).

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In all toil there is profit, but mere talk tends only to poverty - Proverbs 14:23